I Have a Confession

Hola friends! Welcome to The Pharosmoon Journal: Pharos Reflections. I hope you enjoyed my last reflection post, it was nice to be open and vulnerable in this sacred space. These post are really helping me explore parts of myself and encouraging me to be honest and open with you all. It's also allowing me to touch on topics that I've been wanting to speak on but trying to find the right platform to share my personal perspectives. So yeah, thanks for being here with me and thanks for tuning in and taking the time to read about my reflections on things I hold dear to me. 

So, you're probably wondering what's my confession since it's such an eye catcher statement, but I do have one and I'll let you in my confession. So here we go, my confession is...I'm not always love and light. There that's was what I wanted to confess. I am not always love and light, I know I come across with big Sagittarius energy that's vibrant, exciting, loud, and fun. Which that is all still me, but the shadow side of Bethalize is well dark and sad, angry and tactless, fearful and impatient. I'm not always rainbow and sunshine. Sometimes I'm the darkest cloud that is in the eye of the storm. Sometimes I'm really hopeless and want to give up. Sometimes I'm full of doubt and worries, asking myself why am I still doing this?

I say all this because when I started my spiritual journey back in 2017 I was so damn bombarded with all this fluff of "Love and Light" and I felt like damn if I wasn't thinking about all the "good" things that bring me joy and happiness that there was something wrong with me. That I wasn't attracting the things into my life because I felt like I wasn't manifesting correctly. I felt defeated, upset, distraught, and broken. It was like damn so if I don't focus on the good how is the good ever going to get better? How am I suppose to be in such a high vibrational state when there's feelings of sadness, fears, doubts and things that go bump in the night within me. It was a really frustrating time for me to try to be in such a "positive" state of mind when I was feeling all out of sorts. I've managed to find balance throughout the years by learning that it's okay to be sad and happy at the same time, to be grateful about what you have but still feel anxious about what you're calling in. Being human is messy and there's no guidebook to being human. 

I feel that there is a sense of "toxic positivity" in the spiritual community that overplay and over saturate the love and light aspect of spirituality. Like yes think about the things that make you feel good, do the things that bring you joy, but some days it's not always sunny. Some days you have to let the rain do it's thing. They're both okay and they're both important. You can't heal the darkness if you don't acknowledge it. Mother nature always shows us that both the light and dark are needed for growth and evolution. Just as much as plants need the sun, they also need the rain as well. I find that a lot of healers in the spiritual community like to capitalize on that everything is "good vibes only" and to me that was cute in the beginning but it felt that if I wasn't on the good vibes train that there was something that needed to be fix because I wasn't feeling it. 

It wasn't healthy for my mental health because I felt like I was suppressing, ignoring and invalidating my emotions because they didn't feel as high vibe as I thought it should be based on what I was seeing all over the internet. It took me a while to finally realize that in order for me to heal the sadness, the doubts, the fears, the moments of depression that I had to create space for all of those feelings to be seen. To let them serve their purpose in my life, to acknowledge that there was never anything wrong with me. That I'm here to experience all the rays of emotions whether that's happy, blissfulness, anger, or sadness. They all matter and they all served a purpose in one way or another.